I have recently started walking again, not in a “I wasn’t able to walk and now am physically able” kind of way, but in a” walking just for the sake of walking” way...I used to be a runner, loved it, was good at it, ran for sports, ran for races, ran just for the way it made me feel. Growing up in Newfoundland running along the shore with the ocean as my soundtrack, it was soul food for me back then. Now running doesn’t feel as good as it once did. It hurts my knees, my jaw always ends up aching for a few days after, and I basically spend the whole time waiting for it to be over....I am at a time in my life where I need to be outside, connecting with nature through movement, but in a different way. Walking seems just right – I feel my heart beating faster, my lungs drawing in more air, my muscles working together, and those physical distractions are the perfect way to quiet my mind enough to let my soul speak, so that I can listen.
As I walked along the river this morning, with the sun on my face, and the wind in my hair I felt happy. Genuinely happy, for no particular reason, other than that I had the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. The breeze in the trees, the butterfly on my hand, the crows cawing, they were all welcoming me back, and it filled me with gratitude...I am thankful that my walking path held no grudge against me, it didn’t ask where I had been, expected no apology for neglecting over the past year, it welcomed me with open arms, and aphids in my mouth! And my soul began to sing to me once again....
Last year was one of loss for me. Loss of course is a relative term, we all experience it in different ways, some at higher levels of pain and life disruption, but when you lose someone you love, even if they haven’t even come into the world yet, in my experience, it is painful all the same. It was around this time last year when I had the first of the three miscarriages that I would go through during the year. I miscarried at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, and then 12 weeks, and each one was heartbreaking. I have been blessed with two beautiful boys already, so I AM focused on counting my blessings, and being thankful for what I do have, but there is a little place inside my heart that has always felt that there was supposed to be another little bean in our family. It is a feeling that I have no control over, no rational thought can make my soul believe otherwise. Since what my soul felt like it needed wasn’t matching up with what the world was presenting me, there was a part of me that shut down. My mind – body connection went on extended vacation and I stopped listening to what my body needed. I looked for distractions wherever I could find them, anything that would help me avoid processing the anger and disappointment that I was feeling – towards my body for letting me down, and residual anger towards my husband for not being as sad as I was when the miscarriages happened. Well, sad is not the right word, because he was sad, absolutely, this man who is an amazing husband, and even more terrific father, was definitely sad, but I was devastated and broken into little tiny pieces, and he wasn’t, and on my walk this morning my soul revealed to me why I don’t need to be resentful anymore. You see he didn’t feel the loss like I did, how could he? My eldest said to me the other day that he hasn’t lost anyone in his family, to which I replied, yes, that is true, the only people close to me really that I have lost are the babies from my belly – and his response was “yes, but I didn’t really know them at all”...which is true – he didn’t know them, didn’t meet them, see their faces, understand who they were, they were just an idea to everyone else but me. They didn’t know the babies like I did...I met them in the small bump of my uterus, the swell of my breasts, the constant nausea, and extreme fatigue. They were with me every in single moment of my existence. My soul connected to them from the second I knew they were there, and when my body had to labor and push them out, it was something that I went through all alone.
On the walk my soul explained to me that it was my experience to have, something I needed to go through on my own, and while my husband will hold me as I weep, and help me pick up all of those little pieces of my broken heart, while the giggles and kisses from my boys fill me up with love, only I can reconnect with my body in a way that will truly heal the hurt.
I am filled with gratitude that the beautiful breeze on the wind, and the sun on my face gave me that gift of that knowledge today!